Do you remember when you tried holding your breath under water in the swimming pool, seeing how long you could go without resurfacing?  I often have contests with my kids trying to see how many seconds we can go.  We try to go longer and longer, seeing who can outlast the other.   We have a good time competing, and I’m sure it helps us develop our lungs.

 We can do the same thing in relationships, but it has just the opposite effect.  We need oxygen from each other, something referred to as Relationship Oxygen.  This oxygen helps us to feel connected to one another, along with helping each of us feel a sense of value and fulfillment.  Without it, both the relationship and the individuals involved suffer.

Do you remember how it felt to be under water, nearly out of oxygen, trying to last just a little bit longer?  You remember the discomfort you were feeling and how much you just wanted to take that breath, but you forced yourself to wait, because you wanted to win.  It works the same with relationships.  You can go a certain amount of time without oxygen without feeling its effects, but eventually, you get to the point where the lack of oxygen is obvious, creating discomfort and pain. 

Its funny how approach the relationship game like the swimming pool game, trying to hold out as long as we can, waiting for the other to “cave” so that we can win the argument or get our way.  In the end however, both parties lose.  The goal isn’t who can go the longest without oxygen, but how can we keep a sufficient supply of oxygen going back and forth to keep the relationship thriving. 

When we understand this, we can approach relationship challenges differently.  We recognize that when problems arise, giving each other the needed oxygen is much more effective at helping things go right.  This is because we function a lot better when we have sufficient oxygen than when we are in pain, desperate for a breath.  The more oxygen we have in reserve, the more safe and secure we feel, allowing us to response better to one another.

Christmas is a wonderful time of year where we unite together in the spirit of giving.  Often, for adults, we have found that giving tends to bring much more joy than receiving.   Our kids bring their Christmas lists detailing the gifts they hope to receive.  This year, I would challenge parents to think twice before running out and buying the things their children have listed.

Most of our children can easily identify what they “want” for Christmas, but how many can come up with what they “need.”  The “need” I’m referring to is not so much a having new pair of socks or pants as it is focused on having toys or items that provide both fun and learning.  Buying a new portable game player, I-phone, or designer jewelry may be what your child is begging for, but is it what will help them to develop into their best selves down the road? 

Often, you can combine both fun and learning.  When our son was three, he got a Leap Frog DVD called “Letter Factory” which focused on learning letters and their sounds.  He had so much fun watching it over and over again while at the same time learning the alphabet.  The DVD made learning fun and easy for him. 

There are many similar ideas out there for all ages which can enhance learning and development, while providing hours of entertainment and fun.  Our kids may not think of these because they are not marketed as heavy or as initially enticing.  Because we are afraid to disappoint our children, we may hesitate to deviate from their wish list.  However, the danger of this is that if we always give them what they want in order to avoid disappointing them, we may disappointment them more “in the long-run” by not giving them what they need. 

One of the best lessons one of my children ever learned was on Christmas morning when he “didn’t” get what he wanted.   As parents we decided it wasn’t the right gift for that year and that we couldn’t really afford it at the time.  Although it nearly broke our hearts to see his disappointment, he expressed to us later how much he gained from that experience.   

Tips for smart buying:

1.  Spend within your budget.
2. Focus on how the gift will “bring gain” rather than “just entertain”.
3. Don’t allow guilt to drive your decision.
4. Do some research yourself rather than just following your children’s wish list.
5. Gifts where your child has to put forth effort (i.e., Lego’s) are generally better than gifts that do all the work for your child (i.e., DVD player).
6. Prepare your children ahead of time about the possibility of not getting what they want, but still getting something fun and exciting that they will enjoy. 
7. Gifts that are thought out and given from your heart are often treasured more over time than gifts which cost a lot of money. 

There is a story of a grandfather who is sharing with his grandson how everyone has two wolves inside of them fighting a battle.  The one wolf he tells him stands for everything evil such as jealousy, hatred, resentments, self-pity, and dishonesty, where as the other stands for everything good such as peace, love, service, compassion, and truth.  After considering what his grandfather told him, the grandson asks, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?”  The grandfather answers “The one you feed!” 

This represents well the battles we are engaged in almost daily.  There seem to be things pulling at us from every angle, which contributes to stress and anxiety and tend to wear us down.  If we do not focus on feeding what is most important, it is easy for the distractions and less important things to begin to consume our precious time. 

One of the important things in life that is often neglected is what I refer to as “An Attitude of Gratitude.”   I see people who seem to approach life from a deficit perspective, focusing on problems, unmet wants, disappointments, or regrets.  Instead, people who approach life through an assets perspective seem to be happier and more successful.  When we focus on our assets such as our accomplishments, gifts, blessings, and friendships, we are feeding an important part of ourselves.  What we tend to focus on the most (or feed) is what we tend to create more of for ourselves down the road, as the story above illustrates.

This Thanksgiving season, I would suggest challenging ourselves to live more from a perspective of gratitude.  There is so much to be grateful for, no matter who we are or what circumstances we are experiencing.  Life is constantly filled with both problems and successes, which are sometimes out of our control.  However, the one thing we all have control over is which one we dwell upon or choose to feed. 

I recently completed my 5^th St. George marathon.  I had been looking so forward to the race as I had set a personal time goal for myself and had barely missed it the year before.  I had trained hard and felt prepared to meet my goal, however, I ended up making some costly mistakes, and in the end missed my goal by quite a bit, running significantly slower than I had the year before.  It was easy to be disappointed, knowing I would have to wait a whole year to try again.

If I was to stay in that perspective, you could see how discouraging it could be.  A more healthy and effective way would be to focus on the many positives including the fact that I was able to run, that I completed the race, that I was injury free, that I qualified for the Boston marathon, and that I learned a lot from the mistakes I made.  How much happier and more rewarding is it to focus on these things rather than on the deficits.

I’m not saying this is easy to do, but when we choose to look at it from a perspective of gratitude, it feeds the positive rather than the negative, and we become more balanced, healthy, and able to engage with our family or spouse.  Focusing on what’s great about our lives is what this time of year is all about.  Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Most people find it hard to be content with what we have at the moment.  This can be good and bad.  On the down-side, if we don’t learn to be happy with the things we have, we may never feel content or happy.  On the up-side, it can keep us constantly striving for change and improvement.  Learning how to balance between being happy with what we have and striving for more is crucial to our success in life.

When we experience feelings of discontent, stress, or pain, we generally want to get away from these and return to a state of peace, happiness, or fulfillment.  In order to do this, we generally have to reach for something that will change our emotional state of mind.  In our modern day society which is so fast paced and looking for the quick answers, many people are reaching for what we call “temporary solutions” for our pain or stress.  These come in a variety of forms such as addictions, affairs, or shopping sprees. 

If you have a tooth ache, it may be easy to get rid of the pain for the moment by taking some pain killer; however, it doesn’t solve the root of the real problem.  The same thing goes for our emotional pain.  Taking a drug, having an affair, eating a bag of chips while zoning out to the TV, or going on a shopping spree may bring temporary fulfillment or numb the pain, but ultimately, it isn’t a permanent solution and the stress or pain will likely return.  The quick fixes generally keep us stuck, while allowing the real problem to get worse as it goes untreated. 

When feelings of pain, discomfort, or stress come up in our lives, we need to find things to “reach for” which address the real issue.  One of the best things to “reach for,” which is often forgotten, is our family or spouse.  They can provide support, comfort, or advice.  It may be a conflict with the kids or spouse which seems to be causing the pain or discomfort.  Still, the solution is not to reach “outside” the marriage or family, but to reach “inside,” which can bring more connection to the relationship.  Often, a lack of connection is the underlying problem in the marriage and family, and reaching outside for a quick fix will only make matters worse.

Here are some quick tips to “Healthy Reaching.”

1. Identify the specifics behind the pain, stress, or discontentment.
2. Evaluate your solutions, determining if they are addressing the real problem or just providing an escape from your problem. 
3. In reaching to your spouse or children, remember to share feelings and frustrations in a safe way that is non-blaming or attacking, but is instead focused on solutions, being sincere, and speaking from your heart.
4. Be patient with yourself and the process, remembering that reaching for real solutions may take time, but will be worth it in the end.

I recently celebrated a family reunion at Bear Lake, Idaho.  It is so rewarding to be able to relax and spend time with my kids and family away from the busy day to day life.   Our family didn’t realize how much we needed the vacation and the connection it could bring with each other.  

Our emotional connection is very significant in the way we treat one another.   Emotion Focused Therapy emphasizes how being emotionally disconnected tends to drive family problems and conflicts.  The less connected we are, the more likely we are to react to situations with defensiveness, frustration, or anger.  On the other hand, the more connected and loving we feel towards each other, the more likely we are to be patient, understanding, and respectful. 

A great way to reconnect is to do something fun together like a vacation.  Vacations don’t have to be exotic or cost a lot, you can take advantage of local deals and off season rates.  Our family reconnects just as well spending staying at a half-price local hotel using the Dixie Direct as we do going on an expensive vacation to Disneyland.  It isn’t the amount of money spent, but the time building and maintaing family connectxions that is important.

A while back I attended a Power Training Seminar.  I had no clue what I was getting myself into when an old acquaintance invited me to attend the training as we met at the starting line of a 20 mile race (by the way, the 20 miles was a whole lot easier than the seminar).  I was excited, yet reluctant to attend.  What would I have to do?  Would I have to talk about my issues? (Therapist’s can be good addressing your issues, but their own… Now that’s another story) 

The first exercise took me right out of my comfort zone as I was asked to give a speech in front of everyone and be critiqued on it.  That was a walk in the park compared to what was to come.  Although I was initially reluctant to attend, I had decided that I was going to attend for myself and get as much out of it as I could.  As the day progressed, we began talking about our vision for our lives and identifying what was most important. 

As I reflected on this, it was clear to me that my marriage and family were the most important things in my life.  However, I began to realize that I had not always treated them as such.  I began to question if my wife knew that she was #1 in my life or if my kids knew that they were my pride and joy.  I began to realize that I had allowed a lot of fears, doubts, and distractions to detract from my vision of what I wanted for my future and my relationship with my children and wife.

When I returned home, I took my wife and family into my arms and told them how much they meant to me and how I was determined to be more focused on putting them first in my life.  Their response was initially one of shock and surprise at my bold and open self, then one of admiration and appreciation.  The whole experience was awesome and has helped me both personally and professionally.   I have come to realize the extent of my power in accomplishing my goals and dreams by having faith, focus, and confidence in my life.  More information on the Power Training can be found at www.powerwithinus.com.

Spring is in the air.  I love this time of year as we see signs of new life all around us.  The trees start to blossom, the air gets warm, and the grass gets green again.  People also seem to come to life as they begin spring cleaning, outdoor exercising, and planting gardens or flowerbeds.  It is my favorite time of year.

A while back, my wife found a magnetic quote for our refrigerator that I think is very fitting for this season.   It says “Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start now and make a brand new ending.”  Sometimes in life we get frustrated with where things are at.  We live with regrets of past mistakes, frustrations with the current economy, or worries about where our marriage may be heading.  These fears and frustrations often pull people down into discouragement that can take the joy and life out of a marriage, family, or friendship.

 If you are feeling a sense of hopelessness about your current circumstances, one thing to do is to shift your focus from fear to faith.   Fear and faith are opposites just as light is the opposite of darkness.  One cannot exist in the presence of the other.   Today is the first day of the rest of your life and it has yet to be written.  Have faith that you can write a day, a week, a year, or a life of your choosing.   You are powerful and can create a brand new end starting right now.

My first car was a shiny red 1987 Chevy Nova (I couldn’t find a picture of an 87 so a 70 will have to do).  I got it my senior year of high school.  I loved that car.  It was my pride and joy.  In fact, it wasn’t long after I got it that I got my first girlfriend, who then became my wife (Maybe the car deserves all the credit). 

Because I loved that car so much, I tried to take good care of it.  I would wash it, wax it, change the oil, etc.  I recall thinking that I needed to figure out how to check the transmission fluid.  I kept putting it off thinking that I would get around to it later. 

One evening I was driving home from work and my Nova wouldn’t shift out of first gear.  Turns out I had to drive home the rest of the way in first gear.  The next day I drove it (in first gear again) to the transmission shop across town.  Long story short, I had to buy a whole new transmission.  What caused the problem?  It was my neglect.  I had driven that car over 130,000 miles and never put a drop of transmission fluid in it.  I had let my car down.

Marriage is a lot like a car.  You have to take care of it, give it regular tune ups.  Your marriage tends to give back what you put into it.  A quick checkup can often prevent major repairs.    However, with marriage, many couples forego the check-up and wait until a major overhaul is needed.  Research shows that the majority of couples who show up for therapy already have serious beliefs that the relationship is beyond repair.  Why wait? 

If we are willing to have our car tuned up before we’re stranded on the side of the road, how much more important is it to get a “relationship tune-up or checkup” prior to experiencing major problems that could take years to change. 

A “relationship checkup” is different from therapy.  It is a brief assessment lasting only 2-3 appointments which gives you a clear overview of the health and strength of the relationship.  Based on the assessment, personalized feedback and recommendations are given to promote ongoing success in the relationship.   If couples were to get this type of relationship checkup, there would be a lot less therapy going on. 

Call or stop by to schedule a “relationship checkup.”  It’s brief.  It’s easy.  It’s very informative and it’s a whole lot cheaper than the “relationship overhaul.”  An ounce of prevention is truly better than a pound of cure.”  Make sure you’re headed down the right track.

This is a cool place to find information about local businesses.  KCSG allows free advertising for local businesses in order to get the word out about their business.  This link spotlights the “A Time For Change Counseling Services.”

http://www.kcsg.com/business/86431132.html

Go check it out.

Right now so many people are struggling financially with the economic situation.  I don’t believe your marriage should suffer as well.  Often, when finances get tight, the things we consider unnecessary get left out.  Although our marriage is one of our most prized and precious things, when it is in crisis, we still tend to put off getting any help if money is tight. 

Due to this, I wanted to help those people out by reducing the price of the “Couples Empowerment Seminar.”  I would much rather provide the needed help at a lower price than have couples continue to have their relationship deteriorate just because they can’t afford the help. 

The seminar is a great way to get valuable information for your marriage at a significantly lower rate than regular therapy.  The seminar is not therapy where couples have to come in and share personal issues, but is in an education format where they can ask questions and learn information that they can take home and benefit from on a daily basis. 

Even if your relationship is not in crisis, couples can still benefit from the seminar as a prevention tool.  It will help couples to increase their awareness of what is healthy and positive in their relationship along with identifying potential pitfalls you can avoid down the road. 

I hope to see you there.  Reduced prices are $25 for an individual per night or $30 per couple, $100 for an individual for the entire six-session series and $150 for a couple.  This is a bargain compared to the $80-$100 you pay for a 1 hour therapy session.  You can sign up by calling the office at 435-688-2123 or by registering online on my website www.benashcraft.com.